Our twin Boys

So I have been horrible at keeping our blog updated ever since I found out we were pregnant last year. First I was unbelievably sick for what seemed like forever, then we found out we were having twin boys, and then as soon as I started to feel better we found out the heartbreaking news that one of our boys had serious health issues. At first we had a glimmer of hope that they might be able to fix things in utero, but after seeing a number of specialists it was clear that we would only be fixing a symptom not the actual problem. So, there we were pregnant with twin boys knowing that one wouldn't make it. They couldn't tell us what exactly would happen, whether he would pass away while I was still pregnant, be still born, or pass away shortly after birth. In a way that was the worst part, waiting for the moment we would lose our baby boy. For a while it was all I could think about. It was so hard to be excited for Ryker to come into this world because I knew that would be the day John Andrew was leaving it. My sister had told me that I should take advantage of the time while I was still pregnant to talk, read, and sing to my boys because that would probably be the most time I would have with both of them. I couldn't help but think of how I selfishly wanted keep both. So while I was still pregnant we started preparing for Ryker coming home and for John Andrew's funeral arrangements. I picked out what I thought would be a beautiful place to bury him and as I walked out of the funeral home I started having contractions...9 weeks early. At first they told me they were phantom contractions and sent me home on medication to stop them. It didn't work and I was back in the hospital the next day. I of course wasn't ready, I mean I thought I had at least another few weeks to get everything together. I started to panic to my mother with my long list of everything I didn't have and she went that night and frantically got everything together for me. Most importantly she found a beautiful outfit for John Andrew. I honestly have know idea how I would have made it without her. I can only hope to compare to her as a mother to my own children. Early the next morning we had our twin boys. We were able to hold John Andrew for 43 minutes. Even before his birth the doctors were warning us about how hard it was going to be to see him struggle to breath, but gratefully they were wrong. They entire 43 minutes was peaceful. He just laid in our arms, silent, like he was asleep, until finally his little heart just stopped beating. I know that we will never forget those precious moments we had with him and I am so grateful that we have the gospel and know that we will be together again. I really believe that Heavenly Father gave us Ryker to help us get through this trial. He had to stay in the NICU for ten weeks, and he is still on oxygen and has an apnea monitor, but despite all of that he is actually doing quite well. He was born at just under four pounds and now he is almost ten. It is crazy to see how far he has come, especially with his rough entrance. We didn't find out until a few days after he was born but he was only a 1 on the Apgar. I'm not a doctor but I know a 1 out of 10 is not promising. The entire right side of his body was black and blue with bruising and his poor little arm was so badly bruised that he wouldn't even move it for first few days. Having him at the hospital is an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. We couldn't even hold him for the first week and then it was only once a day for an hour. It almost felt like he wasn't even mine. I am so grateful that he is home now and I can hold and kiss him all day. He is such an amazingly good baby especially with everything he has been through. We had to wait for him to get circumcised until he was out of the hospital so I took him about two weeks ago. I only tell this story to show how much my little baby has gone through. There he was getting strapped to the table and he didn't make a single noise. He didn't even flinch when they poked him twice with needles to numb him. I couldn't believe it, he just stared up at me sucking on his paci like nothing was happening. He must have gone through so much pain the first two months of his life that this was nothing, just another day. He is such a strong little boy and we are so blessed to have him. I am sorry if this has just rambled on but I have been putting off writing about it. I knew it would bring back sad feelings of loss but I also knew I had to get it all out at once. Thank you to everyone who has helped and prayed for us over these past few months. We really appreciate it and couldn't have gotten through all of this without you.